角落日記

https://reurl.cc/zq7ypy （官方歌詞MV連結，來自YouTube）

A letter to everyone who’s hurt me只花了第一段主歌的篇幅講述原生家庭的破碎對個人造成的負面影響，卻是整首歌啟發我最多的地方，能夠拋開情緒處理摩擦的家庭，對我而言才能稱得上是完整的。那些在父母爭吵中成長的孩子，得要學會壓抑情緒和閃躲暴力，又怎麼擁有時間、精力和資源去學習認識自己、重視自己的需求以及與別人建立健康的關係。

「幸運的人，用童年治癒一生；不幸的人，用一生治癒童年。」Chandler Leighton寫下了個人活在原生家庭陰霾中產生的自我懷疑，以及對其親密關係的渴求和誤解，引起擁有相同經歷的人共鳴。歌曲最後大膽以大提琴重奏收尾，加強整體悲觀、絕望的情緒，彷彿把聽者留在深不見底的黑洞裡，是我特別喜歡的一個細節。

（以下正文）

A letter to everyone who's hurt me

I thought it was normal to watch your parents fight
我一直以為在父母的爭吵下成長 是再正常不過的事
It taught me dysfunction was just part of life
這使得混沌和混亂內化成我的一部分
That love's just a word that we use to excuse our mistakes
而「愛」只是用來掩飾錯誤的藉口罷了

Now I can't tell if I'm afraid or just jaded
我無法分辨自己是恐懼還是厭倦
I guess I'm just scared to end up the way they did
或許我只是害怕搞砸每一段關係 就和我的父母一樣
How do I unlearn the ways I deal with pain when that was all they taught me?
從來沒有人教過我 我要如何改變我錯得離譜的處理情緒的方式？

To everyone I've loved who's let me down
這封信要獻給所有我愛過 並離我而去的人
Let this letter hold what I can't say out loud
這是我一直都沒有勇氣說出口的事

What do I owe you for who I became?
如今我變成完全不同的人
Should I say "thank you" or curse your name?
我應該感謝你使我更堅強
Do I give you credit or all of the blame?
還是責怪你帶給我的傷害
'Cause growth and pain always feel the same
為什麼我的成長總是伴隨著痛苦和絕望

I try to avoid it when I meet somebody new
我關上心門隔絕所有受傷的可能
I fall for the same shit that I did with you
你留下的爛攤子卻持續折磨著我
'Cause there's comfort in chaos and that's why I kept you around
我被困在這個迴圈裡 無法擺脫這一切

It's insane to me that this could be the medicine and the disease
就像人們用尼古丁和酒精麻痺自己
A cigarette that's killin' me, yet I still wanna breathe in
這迴圈對我而言是毒藥 也是解藥 
I keep tryin' to wash off the smell, but it's stuck on my skin
我明明用盡全力想逃出去 卻仍舊困在這裡

What do I owe you for who I became?
如今我變成完全不同的樣子
Should I say "thank you" or curse your name?
我應該感謝你使我更堅強
Do I give you credit or all of the blame?
還是責怪你帶給我的傷害
'Cause growth and pain always feel the same
為什麼我的成長總是伴隨著痛苦和絕望

I wanted to fix this, I thought we could change
我想變成正常人 甚至曾相信我們能改變這一切
But when will I learn that's a damn mistake?
要到什麼地步我才肯認清這是天大的錯誤
And I'll keep on givin' 'til my body breaks
我只能不斷地付出直至失去一切
'Cause growth and pain always feel the same
反正我的成長本來就伴隨著痛苦和絕望

I know it's not your fault
理性上我知道不能全怪你
But I don't know who to blame,
我只是想找一個人歸咎
Growth and pain, growth and pain, growth and pain
為什麼只有我的成長那麽不順遂
They feel the same, feel the same, feel the same
總是伴隨著痛苦和絕望
Still don't know the difference, I hope that can change
我也想改變這一切 但至今仍找不到解答
'Cause love and hate, they still feel the same
我甚至連愛和恨也分不清了呢